I guess if I want my blogging career to take off I had better start doing this more than once a month. :-) That shouldn't be a problem...there's a lot that goes on in this head of mine that the world would be lucky to read if I feel like sharing. Lol...okay so maybe I don't really think that but it sounds good, right? Now on to my thoughts for today.
The last month of my life has pretty much been one big Megan-You-Better-Wake-Up-And-Grow-Up slap in the face. Sounds negative, but really...it's been the most positive change in my life in 10 years. Maybe more. Of course I've had moments where I just could not believe that I was going through the pain I was feeling, but also that God would allow me to feel so miserable. You know...those moments where you want to scream "Hello GOD! I'm talking to you! I'm praying to you! WHY ARE YOU NOT LISTENING??" I kind of got stuck in a back-tracking rut where I blamed Him for all the hurt I've felt in my life and opened up some wounds from the past that maybe I didn't need to...putting me even deeper into my misery. I still never really let go of questioning God and why in the world I was being allowed to hurt. Until today. Being the amazing and loving Father that He is, He gave me an answer at church today.
Hebrew 12:5-6 says "And you have forgotten that word of encouragement that addresses you as sons: 'My son, do not make light of the Lord's discipline, and do not lose heart when he rebukes you, because the Lord disciplines those he loves, and he punishes everyone he accepts as a son.' "
Now...I'm not really good at reading a verse and knowing what it's meaning to say. I mean...really? I'm no one's son...and rebuke isn't a word that I use in my daily language. Therefore...I have to have it broken down and actually spend quite a bit of time thinking about what it says and what it means...and how it applies to my life.So here goes me trying to break it down. :-P Basically what this says to me is that I need to quit taking God's discipline lightly and know that when I feel like life is falling to pieces...its probably God trying to discipline me. Okay...not probably. It IS most definitely God disciplining me. He does this with those that he loves and he punishes those that he accepts. Just like a father spanks his kid for something he or she has done wrong. He knows that it hurts the kid, but if he doesn't do something about it now...the kid will become a terrible adult. How does He discipline me?? I mean....God isn't going to come spank me...let's get serious. But he will create a figurative storm in my life to wake me up to my rebellion and disobediance.
My struggle has been codependency. I have spent too much of my life miserable because I couldn't just love myself. I thought that I needed someone else to do it for me. I have spent entirely too much time in unhealthy relationships, fighting for them, miserable without them, and devastated to not have someone loving me. The last two years I have been at my personal worst. Pretty much self-consumed in my own misery because that's all I could see. That's all I could feel. And maybe that's how I wanted it...afterall...it was comfortable.
This "storm" that I have been going through has been mainly relational. I didn't want to let go of that codependent relationship. Honestly, I think the entire time God has wanted me to end it. I didn't listen once. I was disobedient and rebellious. I even tried to compromise with Him. :-) I'm all about compromising. There were times where I came to my senses, and knew what I needed to do to take care of myself...BUT I wanted it on my terms. Thus the compromising. Unfortunately, coming to your senses and actually doing something about it are two seperate things. So He did what he had to do. He created this storm of loss and hurt and until today I could not see that as coming from a loving God. Why would He allow people to fail at anything let alone relationships? Marriages fall apart every day...WHY would He let that happen even when people come to Him begging for repair? The answer is because He loves us. Unconditionally and without fail and HE is the only one that can do that. The storms he creates in our lives are NOT because he doesn't love us but because he loves us so incredibly much and he will use whatever he needs to in order to chase us and pursue us and love us. My Jesus loves me enough to break me of the very thing that was causing me to be miserable. And yes...it hurts. But that hurt is nothing compared to enduring a life of what had been. God couldn't have done this any different. If so...He would be enabling me just as much as I enabled myself to continue not loving myself. Enabling isn't love. God wanted to wake me up because he loves me. He has chased me with this storm and at the end of it all I know I don't have to explain anyting to Him. He already knows my heart.
I'm never going to understand God's plan for me or anyone else. I don't know why bad things have to happen in order for things to be good. But what I do know is that He loves me with a crazy and amazing unconditional love that only He can give me. And I will praise Him in whatever I am going through instead of critcizing Him and trying to lead the way. I'm not perfect...I'm gonna screw up in this area again I am sure...but for the first time ever I saw some sort of light in this kind of pain. I don't know that this silly blog does justice to the conviction and change that took over my heart today. But...I tried. :-)
Lets try for something not so deep next blog? PEACE!! (it would be super cool if I could insert a peace sign right here!!!)
