My Thoughts on My Workout

My thoughts on that workout:
Treadmill- thank you for keeping my pace and allowing me to have a better run. 2 miles-26 minutes. It WILL get better. 

Elliptical-you are a terrible invention and discouraged me while simultaneously making me feel hideous. That's right. Hideous. 250 calories burned in 22.5 minutes. 

Lunges- reminded me of tennis camp...I woke up immobile the next day. I pray for a different  fate. 

Abs- under all the fat....I know there's a six pack. You may never show but you are there. Sometimes you just gotta have faith in the unseen.

Arms- they made it out alive tonight... I wanted something to function properly tomorrow. 

This girl is gonna need encouragement to keep going.

And Baby...it's Raining...

Today has been a different day. Started off hard and quite miserable...but really it wasn't long before I realized I don't have to keep doing this alone. I'm so thankful for what is and who is in my life right now. Anyway...I don't feel like I have anything really inspiring to say yet I feel very inspired. It's raining. Rain means something to me and while I can't really say what that something is...I know it's peaceful. The words that follow are a mess...but they are my mess...and peaceful. And meaningful.

There's something about the way the rain falls from the sky. It comes as if to wash away the pain and assure it will all be alright. There's something about the way the sky looks when it's cold. Full of hidden stars that are wished upon keeping dreams never told. 

But it's the rain when it comes down that leaves me wishing you're around, and has me searching for a star hoping to be safe in your arms. And baby... it's raining. 

Theres something about the way the droplets hit the ground. They're falling on the rooftop now in such a graceful sound. The quiet brings me to train that whistles in the night. Reminding me how far you are and I'm missing you tonight.

But it's the rain that lets me know that for us time needs to go slow and if we keep our patience high, then someday yours will also be mine. And baby...it's raining. 

I close my eyes, I feel your touch. The distance closing in on us. Hearts open up and we begin to let love in again. And baby it's raining. 

But it's the rain when it comes down that leaves me wanting you around, and has me wishing on a star to bring us closer from the far. And it's the rain that let's me know that we've got time...just don't let go. 

Conviction

I guess if I want my blogging career to take off I had better start doing this more than once a month. :-) That shouldn't be a problem...there's a lot that goes on in this head of mine that the world would be lucky to read if I feel like sharing. Lol...okay so maybe I don't really think that but it sounds good, right? Now on to my thoughts for today.

The last month of my life has pretty much been one big Megan-You-Better-Wake-Up-And-Grow-Up slap in the face. Sounds negative, but really...it's been the most positive change in my life in 10 years. Maybe more.  Of course I've had moments where I just could not believe that I was going through the pain I was feeling, but also that God would allow me to feel so miserable. You know...those moments where you want to scream "Hello GOD! I'm talking to you! I'm praying to you! WHY ARE YOU NOT LISTENING??"  I kind of got stuck in a back-tracking rut where I blamed Him for all the hurt I've felt in my life and opened up some wounds from the past that maybe I didn't need to...putting me even deeper into my misery. I still never really let go of questioning God and why in the world I was being allowed to hurt.  Until today.  Being the amazing and loving Father that He is, He gave me an answer at church today.

Hebrew 12:5-6 says "And you have forgotten that word of encouragement that addresses you as sons: 'My son, do not make light of the Lord's discipline, and do not lose heart when he rebukes you, because the Lord disciplines those he loves, and he punishes everyone he accepts as a son.' "

Now...I'm not really good at reading a verse and knowing what it's meaning to say.  I mean...really? I'm no one's son...and rebuke isn't a word that I use in my daily language. Therefore...I have to have it broken down and actually spend quite a bit of time thinking about what it says and what it means...and how it applies to my life.So here goes me trying to break it down. :-P Basically what this says to me is that I need to quit taking God's discipline lightly and know that when I feel like life is falling to pieces...its probably God trying to discipline me.  Okay...not probably. It IS most definitely God disciplining me.  He does this with those that he loves and he punishes those that he accepts.  Just like a father spanks his kid for something he or she has done wrong. He knows that it hurts the kid, but if he doesn't do something about it now...the kid will become a terrible adult.  How does He discipline me?? I mean....God isn't going to come spank me...let's get serious. But he will create a figurative storm in my life to wake me up to my rebellion and disobediance.

My struggle has been codependency. I have spent too much of my life miserable because I couldn't just love myself. I thought that I needed someone else to do it for me. I have spent entirely too much time in unhealthy relationships, fighting for them, miserable without them, and devastated to not have someone loving me. The last two years I have been at my personal worst. Pretty much self-consumed in my own misery because that's all I could see. That's all I could feel. And maybe that's how I wanted it...afterall...it was comfortable.

This "storm" that I have been going through has been mainly relational.  I didn't want to let go of that codependent relationship.  Honestly, I think the entire time God has wanted me to end it. I didn't listen once. I was disobedient and rebellious. I even tried to compromise with Him. :-) I'm all about compromising. There were times where I came to my senses, and knew what I needed to do to take care of myself...BUT I wanted it on my terms. Thus the compromising. Unfortunately, coming to your senses and actually doing something about it are two seperate things. So He did what he had to do. He created this storm of loss and hurt and until today I could not see that as coming from a loving God.  Why would He allow people to fail at anything let alone relationships? Marriages fall apart every day...WHY would He let that happen even when people come to Him begging for repair? The answer is because He loves us. Unconditionally and without fail and HE is the only one that can do that. The storms he creates in our lives are NOT because he doesn't love us but because he loves us so incredibly much and he will use whatever he needs to in order to chase us and pursue us and love us. My Jesus loves me enough to break me of the very thing that was causing me to be miserable.  And yes...it hurts. But that hurt is nothing compared to enduring a life of what had been. God couldn't have done this any different. If so...He would be enabling me just as much as I enabled myself to continue not loving myself.  Enabling isn't love. God wanted to wake me up because he loves me. He has chased me with this storm and at the end of it all I know I don't have to explain anyting to Him. He already knows my heart.

I'm never going to understand God's plan for me or anyone else.  I don't know why bad things have to happen in order for things to be good.  But what I do know is that He loves me with a crazy and amazing unconditional love that only He can give me. And I will praise Him in whatever I am going through instead of critcizing Him and trying to lead the way. I'm not perfect...I'm gonna screw up in this area again I am sure...but for the first time ever I saw some sort of light in this kind of pain. I don't know that this silly blog does justice to the conviction and change that took over my heart today. But...I tried. :-)

Lets try for something not so deep next blog? PEACE!! (it would be super cool if I could insert a peace sign right here!!!)

I'll Give It A Try

The Christmas lights of 2010 were beautiful.  Trees glowing bright with every branch covered, walkways lined with candy canes and string of lights to guide the way, and Santas everywhere waving their arms in the crisp night air. The hustle and bustle of the Christmas season has sadly come to an end. Santa Clause and his reindeer are headed back to the attic until next year while friends and neighbors are climbing ladders to remove the glowing cheer from their houses. As the New Year comes in, the lights come down and there is a void. Maybe that void is just because a relatively happy time of year is finishing up and it is almost a back-to-reality kind of feeling when it’s over.  I don’t know if you’re like me, but when this starts happening, I meet that void very easily. However, it is this very thing that turned on the light bulb in my head and started a fire in my heart.  I had already decided that this year, this 2011, I was going to try and be a more positive person. I guess you could say that is my New Year’s Resolution but resolutions are broken more often than not…so I’m not calling it that.  It’s just a change I need to make in my life. On my quest to be positive, I’ve tried to figure out things in my life that bring me down. I have been using the time that I have alone as a sort of self-reflection. I’ve asked myself questions like “why can’t I let go?” and “what is the big picture? What am I missing?”  Honestly I have asked these questions for so long that the answer to it all has become uncomfortable and maybe even hard to admit or think about.  What does all of this have to do with Christmas lights? Well, I was driving home from Wal-Mart in the dark. I live only a few blocks from the store and if you know me, I’m a Wal-Mart junkie and could probably make the trip with my eyes closed.  But this night I noticed something I had never noticed before.  It was a nativity scene still lit up by a church so long after all other Christmas decorations had been gone. I thought about how impossible it was that I never noticed it before.  I noticed the decorated tree and the lit fence that had previously been right next to it, and the cross on the church and even the wreath on the window of the house next door, but never Baby Jesus in His manger as Mary and Joseph looked on.  How could I not have seen this before?  I was raised in a Christian home and know that He is the reason for the season. Shouldn’t I have seen this? Now, don’t get me wrong. I am not saying that it was some miracle placed on a lawn to open my eyes to my ways. I know that this was there before. I just didn’t pay attention.  It wasn’t until every other bright and cheery thing had gone away that I noticed this beautiful depiction of the birth of my Savior. And that’s honestly how I have been living my life. I have gone through the motions of everyday life, up the hills and back down again without even thinking about God. It is never until my world goes black, until all the lights of my life are out and I am hurting that I notice Him. It has taken all the cheer, love and happiness to be taken away and locked in an attic somewhere to pay any attention to the fact that my Lord and Savior- Jesus Christ has been there through it all. I guess you could say that I have been a lukewarm Christian.  But that is not who I want to be.  The fire for life and my God who gave it to me should be in my heart ALWAYS—not just when my world is dark and I’m needing him to lift me up. I should be thanking him for the blessings in my life whether things are good or bad because each day is and truly should be a blessing. I can’t promise an overnight change but I am so thankful for that nativity scene. I’m so thankful for the darkness that helped me see it and to my Jesus for giving me the heart and mind to relate something so simple to my life. Thank you, Jesus, for lifting my heavy heart this 2011 and I pray that my eyes don’t turn away from You. Happy New Year everyone, and God Bless!!